Jimmy Cahill is a gun-for-hire who’s worked with the best mobs and gangs in New York. He’s done stints with the Russian LIlechka crew, the Swedish Hammers and the Latino Kings. When he isn’t terrorizing the streets breaking knee caps, Jimmy also designs websites. MAN VS. was fortunate to hire Jimmy when he was hiding-out during a large FBI manhunt. Since he had a lot of time to kill (intended) he whipped up the MAN VS. website and brought it to where it is today.
Jimmy will now answer MAN VS. questions.
MV: We’ve never seen a snake tattoo that covered a person’s entire face. Did that hurt?
JC: With this kind of job you need to project a certain image of power. People have to respect you in this business. Think about it, if you had to make a choice between hiring a cold blooded killer, or a cold blooded killer with a full-face tattoo… Who would you hire? I suppose we already know the answer to that question now don’t we?
MV: Word on the street is that HBO’s developing a series about your life titled, “The Craziest Bad-Ass Mofo Tough Guy You Ever Seen, and Trust Us, You Never Want to Meet Him.” He’s BADDD! Doesn’t exactly roll trippingly off the tongue, does it? May we suggest a shorter title, maybe something brief, like “Bad Ass? ”
JC: “Bad Ass” just wouldn’t capture the magnitude of my life according to the producers over at HBO. However, there have been talks about creating a shorter alternative title called “T.C.B.A.M.T.G.Y.E.S.A.T.U.Y.N.W.T.M.H.” You know how those people at HBO love their acronyms.
MV: We sent three other interviewers to meet with you and we haven’t heard back from them. For over a week now. Would you mind telling us what you did with them?
JC: I wouldn’t know where they are. But, if you really need to see them, I’m sure that I could make some arrangements.
MV: OK, you’re on a speeding bus and you just found out it has no brakes. A hot Betty is driving and she’s all nervous and screaming, like “I don’t know how to drive! I don’t know how to drive!” And a grade-A psychopath is talking to you over the loudspeakers, saying, “It’s payback time, Jimbo.” And there’s a bundle of dynamite beneath each seat. And a woman in the back of the bus just went into labor. And you have no arms. What do you do? Oh, and even though you’re in downtown Los Angeles, inexplicably a cliff appears 100 yards in front of the bus. Oh, and also, you have a sidekick: Tattoo from FANTASY ISLAND. But he’s really, really drunk. And now he’s hitting on the woman who’s in labor, so he’s totally useless. What do you do? Oh, and one other thing: Your left eye shoots a laser beam, so you’re not totally incapable. But you can’t control it. You have to wear sunglasses, like what’s-his-name from X-MEN. Cyclops. But don’t forget, you have no arms so you can’t take off the sunglasses. That’s why you have Tattoo. But now he’s passed out on the floor in a pool of vomit. And the psychopath is cackling over the loudspeaker and saying, “Whatchya gonna do, Jimbo? Whatchya gonna do?!” What do you do?
JC: I would call on my other sidekick, Maury, the South American V-Rex (A vampire bred with a T-Rex for those of you who don’t know already). He would choke the psychopath with his little V-Rex hands. Afterwards Maury, the Betty, and I would retire to a quiet bar in downtown L.A. where I would seduce ladies by lighting their cigarettes with a wink of my laser eye.
MV: So are you Sicilian? Where does the deep-seated desire to kill come from?
JC: Some people are good at hitting a baseball. Other people know how to make a good pizza. I just have a gift for sending people on long vacations. What can I say?
MV: What are you up to when you’re not “wacking good-for-nuthin’s?” Any websites etc. you’d like to plug?
JC: When I’m not working, I spend my time reading the blogs and catching up on the latest celebrity gossip. Only the underground blogs though, like www.thenewlofi.com. Oh, and I play cribbage on Sundays.
MV: Thanks for not burying us or fitting us with cement shoes.
JC: I might have a snake tattooed on my face, but I’m a fair man. I’m just glad you didn’t ask me a question about werewolves. Werewolves give me the shivers.
Check out Jimmy’s site- it rocks www.jimmycahill.com