Ted's Blog

Ted’s Thoughts on Gift Giving

Working two low wage jobs as both a server and pizza tosser makes it difficult to purchase gifts for my loved ones. And to make matters worse, my boss just increased the percentage I have to tip-out the bus-boy and our bartender, Jacob, who maybe pours three drinks in an evening (and those aren’t for customers!).

I don’t make crap, but that’s okay because as a pizza tosser I earn 10 units for my Culinary Exercise course at night law school. But still, working two jobs while tackling a law degree- with a minor in Culinary Ethics (my goal is to promote Food Service Industry Rights)- makes the holidays an anxiety-ridden affair about stretching the buck as far as possible.

And by buck, I mean one buck for my mom, one for my dad, and one for my sister Eileen and her stupid husband Bert. And of course I also have to get something for my brothers Toby, T.J and Tank (who was actually named Tron, but he hates that movie, so he changed his name).

I only have 7 dollars in my bank account. Literally. That’s why I live with Floyd and put up with his shenanigans. He’s letting me crash at his place free of charge until I finish night law school.

So for my holiday treats this year, I decided to stretch my buck by not spending a dime on my family. Instead, I’m recycling my belongings into custom-made, “aw-shucks, you shouldn’t have” presents.

For my sister, I’m giving her my 2nd Grade soccer trophy. I used packing tape to cover the engraving and with a black marker I wrote, “World’s Best Sister.” I’m covering it with old deflated balloons that sort of look like streamers, and when she opens the box on Christmas morning I’m going to spray her with Lucky Charms marshmallows (as confetti). For her husband Bert (I don’t like him) I’ll just say, “You’re married to my sister, isn’t that enough?”

For Mom and Dad, I’m making a card out of old Boys Life magazines. It’ll be written like one of those old-time scary ransom notes: “If you don’t hug your son for Christmas, he’ll quit night law school.” Mom will probably cry. She cries every Christmas.

For my brothers, I will give them each a toy I stole from them years ago – and they’ll be so caught up with nostalgia that I guarantee they won’t remember I stole it. Yes! I’ll even make up a story about how I buried it in a time capsule because I wanted them to relive their childhood days of innocence before becoming addicted to glue (Toby), turning into a three-time divorced man (T.J) and stealing car stereos (Tank).

So with my family complete, there is only one gift I have yet to figure out. Floyd.

What do you give a guy who has everything? With all that cash and an imagination as wide as the Milky Way, I can’t think of anything better than dressing up like a plane and swooping down on him like “North by Northwest.” He’ll get a kick out of that, and me, I’ll have stretched my seven bucks into the New Year. And to celebrate the New Year? I’ll buy myself a case of Apple Cider and sip it slowly till Midnight.

By the way, I’m not working that night even though I begged my boss to let me (it’s the biggest night of the year for tips). But according to my boss, “I’m not senior enough.” So let’s hope somebody gets Salmonella!

Happy Holidays everyone!

One Response to “Ted’s Thoughts on Gift Giving”

  1. Majed Elass Says:

    how nice =)

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