Jimmy Cahill is a gun-for-hire who’s worked with the best mobs and gangs in New York. He’s done stints with the Russian LIlechka crew, the Swedish Hammers and the Latino Kings. When he isn’t terrorizing the streets breaking knee caps, Jimmy also designs websites. MAN VS. was fortunate to hire Jimmy when he was hiding-out during a large FBI manhunt. Since he had a lot of time to kill (intended) he whipped up the MAN VS. website and brought it to where it is today.
Jimmy will now answer MAN VS. questions.
MV: We’ve never seen a snake tattoo that covered a person’s entire face. Did that hurt?
JC: With this kind of job you need to project a certain image of power. People have to respect you in this business. Think about it, if you had to make a choice between hiring a cold blooded killer, or a cold blooded killer with a full-face tattoo… Who would you hire? I suppose we already know the answer to that question now don’t we?
MV: Word on the street is that HBO’s developing a series about your life titled, “The Craziest Bad-Ass Mofo Tough Guy You Ever Seen, and Trust Us, You Never Want to Meet Him.” He’s BADDD! Doesn’t exactly roll trippingly off the tongue, does it? May we suggest a shorter title, maybe something brief, like “Bad Ass? ”
JC: “Bad Ass” just wouldn’t capture the magnitude of my life according to the producers over at HBO. However, there have been talks about creating a shorter alternative title called “T.C.B.A.M.T.G.Y.E.S.A.T.U.Y.N.W.T.M.H.” You know how those people at HBO love their acronyms.
MV: We sent three other interviewers to meet with you and we haven’t heard back from them. For over a week now. Would you mind telling us what you did with them?
JC: I wouldn’t know where they are. But, if you really need to see them, I’m sure that I could make some arrangements.
MV: OK, you’re on a speeding bus and you just found out it has no brakes. A hot Betty is driving and she’s all nervous and screaming, like “I don’t know how to drive! I don’t know how to drive!” And a grade-A psychopath is talking to you over the loudspeakers, saying, “It’s payback time, Jimbo.” And there’s a bundle of dynamite beneath each seat. And a woman in the back of the bus just went into labor. And you have no arms. What do you do? Oh, and even though you’re in downtown Los Angeles, inexplicably a cliff appears 100 yards in front of the bus. Oh, and also, you have a sidekick: Tattoo from FANTASY ISLAND. But he’s really, really drunk. And now he’s hitting on the woman who’s in labor, so he’s totally useless. What do you do? Oh, and one other thing: Your left eye shoots a laser beam, so you’re not totally incapable. But you can’t control it. You have to wear sunglasses, like what’s-his-name from X-MEN. Cyclops. But don’t forget, you have no arms so you can’t take off the sunglasses. That’s why you have Tattoo. But now he’s passed out on the floor in a pool of vomit. And the psychopath is cackling over the loudspeaker and saying, “Whatchya gonna do, Jimbo? Whatchya gonna do?!” What do you do?
JC: I would call on my other sidekick, Maury, the South American V-Rex (A vampire bred with a T-Rex for those of you who don’t know already). He would choke the psychopath with his little V-Rex hands. Afterwards Maury, the Betty, and I would retire to a quiet bar in downtown L.A. where I would seduce ladies by lighting their cigarettes with a wink of my laser eye.
MV: So are you Sicilian? Where does the deep-seated desire to kill come from?
JC: Some people are good at hitting a baseball. Other people know how to make a good pizza. I just have a gift for sending people on long vacations. What can I say?
MV: What are you up to when you’re not “wacking good-for-nuthin’s?” Any websites etc. you’d like to plug?
JC: When I’m not working, I spend my time reading the blogs and catching up on the latest celebrity gossip. Only the underground blogs though, like www.thenewlofi.com. Oh, and I play cribbage on Sundays.
MV: Thanks for not burying us or fitting us with cement shoes.
JC: I might have a snake tattooed on my face, but I’m a fair man. I’m just glad you didn’t ask me a question about werewolves. Werewolves give me the shivers.
Check out Jimmy’s site- it rocks www.jimmycahill.com
Here’s some classic pics of Ted once again receiving the short-end of the stick. These pics, taken from MAN VS. DRAGON, show Ted after the Ninja Hurricane passes through.
We get a lot of inquiries about Ted, questions like “Why the hell does Ted live with that nut Floyd?” And “Will Ted ever get a break?”
To answer the first question, here’s something that has never been publicly revealed before: Ted and Floyd are brothers. Ted has no choice but to live with Floyd; it’s the only way he can afford to put himself through night law school.
And to answer the second question, no. Ted will never get a break.
Chapen Hayslett has been involved with the CIA and various other covert government operations since he was five years old. Heâ€™s killed more people- good and bad- than he cares to recollect, much less discuss. In his free time he also edits movies, television shows and even MAN VS.
We caught up with Chapen in an underground parking structure when it was thundering with rain outside. Enjoy!
MAN VS: Wow, did we just totally blow your cover by telling the world that youâ€™re an undercover agent for various shadow branches of the government? Are you totally pissed right now?
CHAPEN: All I can really say is I am really upset about the limitations put on me by the once.
MAN VS: Howâ€™d you get involved in MAN VS.?
CHAPEN: It was a hot and sweaty day back in 1992. I was on the run after infiltrating a poultry prostitution ring. Thatâ€™s where I met you. You begged me not to expose your fetish. The only thing you had to offer besides a severely traumatized Asturian Painted Hen was the chance to edit Man Vs. projectsâ€¦.seriously.
MAN VS: Is it true that you were abducted by aliens and that it was a â€œquite enjoyable experience, actually.â€ (TIME magazine, December 1997 issue)?
CHAPEN: Funny enough that I am alive. But what about my anal? Isn’t that what everyone talks about always? Never again will I listen to someone who says “Trust me.” It all started 12 years ago when I was working late at the CIA headquarters. A colleague of mine said that he had just attained new information in regards to the off-site project codename one-one-four and needed a partner to go to the site in order to record some data. I wasn’t interested in any off-site project, but he assured me that nothing could possibly go wrong. “Trust me” he said. After that, I woke up in a hospital almost a year later with no memory of what happened that night, and a very sore ass. Very sore.
MAN VS: Seriously, are you pissed at us for blowing your cover ala Valerie Plame? What do you give her on the shag-a-riffic scale?
CHAPEN:Yes. I give Plame the following scores in the following areas:
Kissing = 8
Hand Jobs = 6
Blow Jobs = 10 (always)
General Sex = 4
Specialty Sex = 9.2
MAN VS: What are you editing now? What projects are you working on? Any websites etc. youâ€™d like to plug?
CHAPEN: Everyone should spread awareness about project one-one-four and also you can look at pictures of me at www.fluckcuckers.com
MAN VS: Red pill or Blue pill?
CHAPEN: Green pill if you want to know the truth. There really is one.
MAN VS: Is it true the Russians use werewolves in their espionage, and isnâ€™t that kind of silly? I mean, canâ€™t you recognize a werewolf like a mile away, and when a full moon strikes, I mean come on! Can they even speak? I thought they only growled and killed people. Please provide clarity to this common misconception.
CHAPEN: I am glad to have a public forum where I can finally dispel the myths and misinformation surrounding The Russians and werewolves. Itâ€™s not that the Russians USE werewolves in their espionage, itâ€™s that the Russian race was descended from werewolves. It is one of the most guarded secrets in human history. The trick is not spotting the werewolf, it is spotting the Russian. Some people confuse the Russian language for growling, those that are fortunate enough to escape an attack are understandably confused. Those who donâ€™t survive an attack, I am fairly certain recognize that it is Russian they are hearing. As far as the full moon thingâ€¦yeah it happens. Is that really so hard to believe when you take into account all the other asinine things people believe in. Oh and one more thing. Iâ€™d like to say hi to
OK, wait, what? Who’s Austin Wintory?!
He’s only the most kick-ass film composer in Hollywood who happens to score all the MAN VS. episodes for beer and peanuts.
And he’s got some great news: A feature film that he scored called CAPTAIN ABU RAED just won Audience Choice Award at Sundance.
HOW COOL IS THAT?! ?! ?!
Fortunately we know where Austin lives, so we can continue to harass, threaten, bully and blackmail him to score our MAN VS. EPISODES. And we have a huge stockpile of beer and peanuts.
Congratulations, Austin! You DA MAN!
Check out his work at www.austinwintory.com
Sean Pritchett is one busy actor. He performs in a hilarious sketch comedy show called Fries on the Side, he acts the hell out of Shakespeare, he’s in movies, TV… you name it he does it. So how the hell did MAN VS. get him to guest star in MAN VS. PIRATES? We bribed him, used a little extortion, then added just a dash of black mail…and Voila!
So on a sunny day, sitting on a park bench beneath the shade of a willow tree, we interviewed Sean. Enjoy!
MAN VS.: So cool, you played an evil pirate in MAN VS. PIRATES. How’d you get involved with MAN VS.?
SP: Well, I thought I got involved with MAN VS the old fashioned way: By performing alongside and befriending Matt Duggan and Trevor Boelter years ago. But apparently me being â€œEvilâ€ had a lot to do with it tooâ€¦ you said I was perfect for the role. Your exact words were: â€œWe need gold, we need you.â€ In preparing for this, you suggested I watch â€œGhandi.â€ And here we are, in a bar with no floor, drinking something I canâ€™t pronounce and youâ€™re telling me I played Evil. Iâ€™m so confused right nowâ€¦
MAN VS.: Have you ever been keelhauled?
MAN VS.: What’s your favorite MAN VS. episode?
SP: Iâ€™m happy to say I was a big fan of this series since it began, so Iâ€™ve seen and enjoyed them all. MAN VS. ELECTRICITY is my favorite. The part where Floyd pushes himself as heâ€™s walking sets me off every time â€“ such a great detail.
MAN VS.: Seriously, have you ever been keelhauled?
SP: Okay yes, once. A couple years back at the Lake of the Ozarks. I asked a local for the time and things went downhill from there. Luckily, the boat they used was only a toy one that tows a water-skiing squirrel, so, I came out pretty much unscathed. The squirrel, however, had the shakes for about a week but made a fine recovery.
MAN VS.: Is it true that Johnny Depp called you all pissed-off and in a drunken rage b/c MAN VS. selected you to play PIRATE BLACK-EYE and not him? And is it true that Gore Verbinski slashed your tires?
SP: Well, yes. But I took them to be good signs: Depp has my number, and Verbinski knows my car â€“ the glass is half-full, my friend.
MAN VS.: What projects are you working on now? Anything you’d like to plug?
SP: Sure! I can be seen with SHOWERED & READY (www.myspace.com/showeredandready1) and FRIES ON THE SIDE (www.friesontheside.com) â€“ two very funny and very different sketch comedy troupes in Los Angeles. Then Iâ€™ll be performing with ISC (www.independentshakespeare.com) in their season of Free Shakespeare in the Park. You can also see me as a Prodouchebag in the Writerâ€™s Strike short: HOLLYWOOD RUMBLE (www.hollywoodrumble.com).
MAN VS.: OK, so you’re in the engine room of a nuclear submarine and you only have one bullet left. Who would’ve known the Cook was going to try and sabotage the sub?! And to complicate matters, you guys are parked right beneath Disney’s state-of-the-art, new Arctic Wonderland that has been built entirely on a large floating ice cap. It’s opening day and there are 200,000 children from more than 30 countries- all right above you. If that Cook drops the activator liquid into the thingy-magingy, there’s one big kaboom and all those kiddies will be introduced to Mr. Mushroom Cloud. Do you a) Resign yourself to the reality that nothing can be done, light up a Rolled-Gold and enjoy some fine tabakee; b) Work your way through various ventilation shafts, squeeze through ridiculously tight passageways, and nearly avoid steam exhausts until you have the Cook in your sights. You take aim with your Glock and then fire baby, fire; c) Call Scarlet Johannson and tell her that she’s gonna have a lonely sleep tonight but that you’d like to get some good, honest phone sex in before it’s die-time; or D) You tell us
SP: All very feasible options. Right now Iâ€™m inclined to say that Iâ€™d probably get on the intercom and say something like: â€œAttention all crew members, due to a navigational error, we are not actually where we thought we were. Weâ€™re nowhere. I know the charts say weâ€™re somewhere, but theyâ€™re on the fritz. Now look, Itâ€™s gonna take some time to correct this, but the Captain has kindly offered to open the kitchen, so please see the Cook with any requests.â€ Then weâ€™d all head over, have a couple drinks, tell stories. Iâ€™d order a steak and keep sending it back. After everyone had their fill, Iâ€™d walk into the kitchen, point my gun at the Cook, and make him take out the activator liquid. Iâ€™d make him pour it over my now incredibly well-done steak, watch him eat it, then call Scarlet and tell her I saved a bunch of kids â€“ see if that did anything for her.
MAN VS.: Have you ever killed a V-Rex (Vampire bred with a T-Rex)?
SP: Arenâ€™t they endangered? I think theyâ€™re endangered. No comment.
Karni Baghdikian is a busy man. Busy shooting movies. His latest short film entitled TRADE is about to hit the festival circuit and we know it’s going to get a LOT of attention. We were lucky enough to see an advanced screening and were so impressed that we asked if Karni would guest direct MAN VS. HORROR. To our shock and surprise, he said yes.
The other day we caught up with KB and asked him about his experience directing a MAN VS. episode. Enjoy:
MAN VS.: So that’s cool you directed MAN VS. HORROR. How’d you get involved and what was the experience like?
KB: You know, it was very cloak and dagger. My car service was taking me home from the studio one night a few months back, and I shit you not, thereâ€™s this dude in a trench coat and secret agent hat, sitting in the back of my limo. And at first I think Iâ€™m in the wrong limo, so I say â€œsorryâ€ like Iâ€™m about to get out. But then he grabbed my shoulder and tried to restrain me, so I instantly snapped the guyâ€™s neck with my bare hands. As he slumped onto the floorboard, a manila envelope fell out of his pocket, which I thought was odd. Turns out it was a pitch and offer letter from Man Vs. creator Matt Duggan. Whoops!
The experience itself was kind of like smoking crack, not so much for the first time, but maybe the fourth or fifth time when itâ€™s really really fun and just starting to become addictive, from what I hear. I donâ€™t know if youâ€™ve worked on a Man Vs. production before, but aside from the groupies lined up (and Iâ€™m in a serious relationship, so I mean, I would NEVERâ€¦) and the catered lunches, you get to work with stellar talents like Frank Krueger, Trevor Boelter, [Producer] Stephanie Bell, [SFX Makeup/Hair] Courtney Lether, [Sound dude] Barry Neely. We had a blast! Iâ€™m not sure if Frank Krueger [Floyd] could say the same because he had to sit in a bathtub of ice for about an hour. And Trevor DID actually drink a gallon of Colon Cleanseâ€¦he went very â€˜methodâ€™ on this one, hence the spandex bike shorts.
MAN VS.: What’d you shoot on?
KB: Sunday. I know, we had to squeeze it in between productions that bookended the weekend. Iâ€™m thankful that our army of a crew could be so accommodating, but we generally take really good care of them with triple overtime pay on Sundays, the rare instances in which we have to work them. Courtney Lether was rockinâ€™ as always with the Special Effects Makeup. And Josh Kristopherson and Mia Milosova were amazing with set design. Did you notice the way Rocky Coldwaterâ€™s lighting places emphasis on the tools of torture? Genius.
MAN VS.: When Floyd’s in the bathtub he reaches for a hedge trimmer that’s on the ground. Uhm, hedge clippers?
KB: I thought it played to his sensibilities, because Floyd is a character on the hedge. Iâ€™m sorry, I couldnâ€™t help it. The truth is, we were shooting on the set of the new Indiana Jones film, and those belong to my good buddy Shia LaBeouf. Thatâ€™s actually the bathroom in his star trailer we were shooting in. Pretty sweet, huh? Shiaâ€™s a good friend.
MAN VS.: What are you working on now?
KB: I literally just finished and delivered the final Festival cut for TRADE, which I wrote with Dawn Joyal and shot with the Annex Film Group. The AFG is an extraordinarily talented group of filmmakers, do check them out if you havenâ€™t heard of them. www.annexfilmgroup.com. Beyond that, Iâ€™m currently studying screenwriting at UCLA and developing a feature screenplay, plus the odd music video or spot that comes my way. Itâ€™s been a busy couple of months!
MAN VS.: What’s your favorite MAN VS. episode?
KB: Thatâ€™s a really tough one. Iâ€™d have to say itâ€™s a tie between Electricity and Poison. Electricity was just so well done and hit so many of the right notes for me. The dramatic energy, the well choreographed shots, and the score were perfect. I think it hits the proverbial nail on the head, and I can tell you from experience that is a tough thing to achieve in less than 90 seconds! But Poison is just so simple and perfect too, and the moment when he gives that gesture right before sipping the fatal sip of coffee, is just so funny to me. Frank Krueger is so fucking funny in the littlest and best ways.
MAN VS.: If you were being chased down by a femme fatale on a motorcycle through the hilly streets of Monaco, would you A) Turn around on your seat while still driving the motorcycle, dexteriously aim your cross-bow and fire for the forehead; B) Pull over and charm her into sleeping with you, then post-coitally leave her asleep in the hotel and steal her motorcycle, go to Casino Monte-Carlo and win 2 million euro; C) Push “hydro-turbo-jet launch” button on your cycle and rocket into the Mediterranean afternoon?
KB: D) The oil slick button built into my custom steering wheel usually works against the femme fatales, in my experience. However, for the paparazzi, I generally use more of a swipe-and-sweep cliffside approach so they can get a great rapid-fire photo as they launch over the edge. I canâ€™t tell you how many motorcycle photographers Iâ€™ve taken out like that while going for sushi in Redondo Beach.
MAN VS.: Have you ever killed a werewolf? if so, how?
KB: No, and not a lot of people know this, but Iâ€™m pretty hairy. So I have a lot of sympathy for werewolves. I could never.
Los Angeles is full of quirks and oddities, from the people to the landscape to the history- Los Angeles is wacko. People-wise, there’s the celebrities, the wanna-be celebrities, and then the just plain lost-souls. Last week I was walking down Hollywood Boulevard and a mid-forties year-old man, with a dirty, scraggily beard, walked past me. He was listening to a WalkMan and kind of disco-dancing to the music. And he was wearing a short-cut, pink sequin dress with white high, high heels. Nice hairy legs. He winked at me as he strutted by.
Another fascinating characteristic of Los Angeles is the highways. Six lane behemoths on each side with high volume traffic endlessly flowing to and from. Ten minutes after a brief rainshower the Santa Monica freeway will be dry. The sheer quantity of passing automobiles blow-dries the road.
In the ten years I’ve lived in this city I’ve seen incidents that reaffirm the prominence freeways and highways play in the character of Los Angeles. But today I witnessed a really cool spectacle.
I was whipping along the 101 South, just passing Ventura Boulevard’s exit, when all of a sudden a Highway Patrol car jets in front of me. His lights flashing like crazy. I obviously slow down as do the other five cars driving parallel to me.
The cop starts weaving from the furthest left-lane all the way to the furthest right-lane, then back again, back-and-forth, back-and-forth.
I’ve seen this maneuver before. The Highway Patrol does this to slow down traffic and break it up. They control traffic flow and prevent traffic congestion by spacing it all out.
But he kept going back and forth, back and forth, and all the while he was slowing down. I looked in the rear-view mirror and masses of cars were stacking up behind me. The scene became a little tense; I noticed cars in the way back cutting in between other cars; people didn’t see the cop, they just thought they were hitting heavy traffic and they were getting frustrated.
And then he brought us to a complete stop. The cop parks his car sideways across the road. I’m sitting on the 101 freeway and I’m thinking, “Damn. An accident. They’re shutting down the freeway. I’m screwed.”
And then the cop jumps out of his squad car, runs in front of it and disappears. A second later I see him pick up a massive 4 by 6 plank of wood. He runs to the side of the highway and heaves it onto the hillside. He hops in his car, swerves some more, stops and does the same again. Picks up another huge plank of wood, lumbers with it to the side of the road and tosses it.
So a bundle of Los Angeles traffic slowly followed this lone police officer as he picked up and removed debris from the 101 freeway. The guy did a helluva job. That can’t be an easy thing, singlehandedly bringing the 101 freeway to a stand still so you can pick up crap that fell from some idiot’s truck because he didn’t properly secure his junk.